I used to plan my entire life around safe toilets
For 15 years, every invitation, trip and new place started with the same question:
"Will I be able to pee there?"
Yet there I was, halfway through a 200 km trek in the Himalayas. Something I couldn't have imagined just three months earlier.
I was convinced that if I could just learn to pee around people...
I would accept that invitation, go on that date, take that trip.
But, looking back, I eventually realized something.
My life was shaped by everything I did to avoid it.
So what changed?
I stopped hiding.
No more secrets.
I told my family, my friends, my co-workers, my gym buddies.
Without needing to keep it secret, I stopped avoiding.
It wasn't judgment that ruled my life.
It was the fear of judgment.
My life revolved around protecting a secret.
"I can't go now, he just saw me enter"
"I need to get out quick so it's not weird"
"I better flush even though I didn't go"
"I just went 20 minutes ago, I can't go again"
"I don't want to get close to her because she might invite me to something"
"I should just stay home and be safe"
My choices revolved around protecting that secret.
I believed keeping the secret kept me safe.
In reality, it kept me in prison.
Maybe you've been fighting the wrong battle.
For years, I believed I had to become someone else.
If I could pee like everyone else, all my problems would disappear.
I would finally feel normal.
I wouldn't have to be ashamed anymore.
I could finally start living the life I wanted.
So I spent years trying to fix myself.
Yet nothing changed.
Not until I stopped believing I had to become someone else.
Coaching
I don't believe you need to be fixed.
I know fear tells you the exact opposite.
But after walking this road myself,
I know what happens when fear no longer rules your decisions.
If you're ready,
I will be happy to walk alongside you.
You can read more about my own journey with Paruresis here.
We will look at the ways fear has been guiding your decisions.
Together, we'll gently question the convictions and beliefs that keep you stuck.
Then we'll slowly begin putting those new perspectives into practice.
Always at your pace.
Until you see that you're good enough.
Until Paruresis loses its power.
Until you have the courage to live.